♥

Been a while.

2010-05-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

I've been too lazy to update this blog lately... Well, maybe lazy isn't the word for it. More like, depressed? Yeah, that fits.
So, the thing that set me into this downward spiral is the fact that my.. ex? boyfriend broke up with me. Yes, I know, how pathetic that I'm still depressed over it, now that it's been longer than a week ago that he actually broke up with me. But it's hard to get over something like that.
It hurts a lot when you think everything is going well, to then find out later on that the person you're madly in love with has been hiding the fact that they no longer have feelings for you for a month.
He told me the reason that he broke up with me, but I think there's more that he's hiding from me. I don't know, & I guess it doesn't really matter anymore, right? He's happy now that he's no longer with me.
I still want to be friends with him, & he still wants to be friends with me, but it's so fucking hard. Sometimes I hate him for hurting me like this, sometimes I want him to be in pain, the same pain that he made me feel, but then other times, I still love him so damn much & I want him to be happy. It's confusing & annoying how often my heart changes its mind about him.
I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Ugh.

x

The Harsh Truth?

2010-04-25T02:15:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking really hard about life, & I'm beginning to think it's not worth it. This isn't some suicide note or anything like that, I'm just sharing what I think, what my views on life are.
I've come to the conclusion that life basically is a waste of time & effort.
We work so hard all our lives, but for what? We just end up dead. I'm sorry to say it, but there's no fantastic ending for us, it's just... death. We go through school & get an education. We find a job & work our asses off to afford to survive. But why bother?
Why are we here? What's our purpose in life? Who can answer these questions? I'm not religious, but sometimes I kind of wish I could believe in all that God stuff, just so I have something to believe in, so maybe I have hope for an afterlife.
Don't get me wrong, life has some wonderful things & sure, we can have a great time & experience amazing things. But it's pretty depressing to know that we're just gonna die.
A lot of people ask the question, "Would you want to live forever?" & I'm really not sure... but living forever seems better than working towards dying, don't you think?
I guess I wish there was a better ending for living beings, or maybe no ending at all. I guess I'm afraid of death.
I don't want to work my ass off all my life, it's just a waste. I want to have fun. I want to party with friends, get drunk, whatever.
Maybe people take life too seriously. Maybe we should just do whatever makes us happy, instead of following what everyone else does. Live life to the fullest, right?
I've been thinking about this 2012 shit as well. What if we all die? It won't matter, right? We'll be dead. So we won't even be able to give a shit that everyone died. There'll be suffering for a while, but then... nothing. The end. Goodbye to the human race, goodbye to every living thing that ever existed. So honestly, I'm not worried about whether 2012 will happen or not.
I don't know what to think of life anymore...

x

-sigh-

2010-04-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

I hate to complain, but I feel like shit.
It's almost like I'm not allowed to feel good anymore. Whenever I feel good, something random happens & I'm back to feeling like shit. Ugh I don't even know how to express it.
I've been listening to a song called 'Missing' by Evanescence, & I feel like if I sung the lyrics, they'd fit perfectly to my life. Don't you hate how sometimes songs just seem like they were written about you? I need to find more happy songs maybe, so I don't get so depressed from the music I listen to.
So there's been something bothering me for over a year. I feel like I should be over it by now but I just can't get over it. A friend of mine went missing in February, 2008... & I'm still upset about it. What's wrong with me? I hate not being able to move on from the pain of it. I'm suck a pathetic child ;-;
Gah, fuck it.
x

D;

2010-04-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to post in a while because SOMEONE decided to take away the laptop.
My phone has almost carked itself so internet access will probably be at a minimum =/
I've called work & they haven't got me rostered on at all ;_;
So that's very frustrating, because I need the money to pay for shiz. Mum keeps telling me to keep calling them, but they told me they'd call me when they knew what was going on, so calling them continuously will only annoy them. Ugh, point being, I just want to work D;

Anyway, something has been bothering me a lot lately. I've been told that I only bring people down with me whenever I feel like shit, & I'm starting to believe that it's true. I've lost another close friend (lost count of how many I've already lost) & I know that I'm doing something wrong, yet they tell me I'm doing nothing wrong. Maybe I'm pushing people away? Maybe I'm annoying them with my negative attitude?
Who knows how long it will be before I lose yet another friend? I'm just sick of feeling like I'm all alone. I'm sick of feeling like no one cares, or that I wouldn't be missed if I happened to die.
I'm trying so hard to change who I am. I'm trying to be nicer, less selfish & less bitchy, & I'm trying to be a more positive person, but will it pay off? Is it worth it?
I don't know anymore. I just don't know.

x

I forgot one thing.

2010-04-07T03:09:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my sister about the blog I just posted, & she asked "Did you remember to complain about people being mean to gay people?"
I can not believe I forgot that, so I shall bitch about that on this post.
I have absolutely nothing about gay people/lesbian people. It actually makes me physically sick when people are horrible to them. For fuck sake, they're humans just like the rest of us. Gay people aren't "diseased" or "weirdos" or any of that shit.
A few friends that I have don't like gay people. They think that if they go near a gay guy, the gay guy will hit on them, which is kind of stupid if you ask me. Just because a guy is gay, doesn't mean he likes you! God damn.
I have a gay friend & he is absolutely adorable. He is one of the most gorgeous, caring, loving people that I have ever met & I love him to bits. I hope he reads this & knows that it's about him.
There's always controversy about gay marriage. Okay, think about this; a woman & a man can get married & divorce a few months later because they realise they aren't in love, but 2 gay men can fall deeply in love & want to be together for the rest of their lives, & that's wrong? That's fucking pathetic. Lesbians & gays should be allowed to get married if that is what they want.
I go off whenever someone descriminates against gay & lesbian people. I've heard of some horrible things happening to another gay friend of mine, like being bashed & spat on. It's fucking horrible & if I find the people who did that to him I will kill them with my bare hands.
People need to be more accepting. End of story.

x

I think it's time for a long bitch.

2010-04-07T00:39:00.000-07:00

There is something that I wish to bitch about; the human race. No one in particular, just everyone in general. No one can do anything for other people anymore, despite very few people that I have had the privilege of knowing or being friends with. We're all selfish creatures. Admit it. I don't see why it's so hard to DO something for someone else, or care about someone else's feelings instead of just our own. I'm not saying that I'm not selfish; I am very selfish. I think people just need to learn to care about others. Sure, you need to care about yourself sometimes & worry about your well being, but god damn, some people are just horribly self-centred. It makes me sad how may people don't have friends & family who care about them, or have friends & family that treat them like shit, take them for granted or don't appreciate anything they do. Parents, how hard is it to tell your child that you're proud of them? It may be horribly cheesy, but some kids like hearing it. I for one, love to be told that someone is proud of me for trying my best. Brothers & sisters... we all fight like cats & dogs, that's just a part of being siblings, but why can't we be nicer to one another? I know that I'm horrible to my family, & sometimes I sit down & think about it, & I realise that it hurts. I don't want to be hated by my sisters or my mum, because I love them an awful lot. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm changing this. I'm not going to be as selfish anymore. I'm not going to be as mean & uncaring anymore. I'm going to be a better person.
Another thing about the human race that makes me so damn mad? Racism. I admit I have said the "N" word a few times, but I honestly have nothing against black people, Asian people, whatever. "Oh wow your skin is a different colour, I hate you now." Um, pathetic. If you're going to hate someone, at least have some sort of reasoning behind it. Lets say a dark skinned person killed your dog. Go ahead & hate them for the crime, not for the colour of their skin. Simple enough. Everyone knows that some Japanese people have killed wales & what not, but does that mean we have to hate the whole race of people, just for what a few have done? I don't see how that's fair.
Last but not least, rapists & child molesters... Do I really need to say much more than just that? I personally think these type of sick, disturbed people don't deserve to live. End of story.

The end.
x

=/

2010-04-05T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm annoyed. Very annoyed.
All I did was be honest, & you had to have a massive over-reaction.
I didn't even do anything wrong, thank you very much. I thought we could always tell each other anything & everything, but when I be honest, you react like this? That kind of makes me want to hide things from you, & that isn't good, is it?
I never said we weren't friends anymore. I never said we couldn't be best friends.
You just need to understand where I'm coming from.
It's not my fault that I kind of feel uncomfortable when you call me "babe" or whatever.
I know you care about me, & I appreciate all the times you've been there for me, but sometimes I just need to be left alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, I feel smothered.
I love you, okay? I do. But you need to just... back off a bit maybe.
When I'm not happy, sometimes you don't need to try & make me feel better. Maybe I just need to feel whatever I'm feeling, instead of ignoring it & having it pile up.
You don't need to freak out if I don't reply to a text seconds after I get it. Maybe I'm busy? Maybe I don't have my phone on me? Maybe I didn't even get the text?
You need to realise these things & not just freak out or get angry.
Please, just give me some space. Let me be alone sometimes. Is that really too much to ask for?
I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry for being honest.
I don't even know if you'll read this, or if it will change anything.
... The end?

x

>_>

2010-04-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so work is being lame.
I work at a supermarket, & I used to work in the fridge/freezer section, restocking everything.
I am now being trained on register.
I called up to see when I'm working. but because they are being stupid, they have no idea when I'm working. so whatevs >_>

I'm getting bored of eating chocolate. I feel like melting all of it into a huge ball & then freezing it.
Would be interesting to see how big the ball is XD

well that was a lame post.
& I'm done. xD
bai.
x

♥

2010-04-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

So, I thought I'd post links to all of the crap that I use.
Incase people are interested in adding me or following me.
:3

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?ref=profile&id=1220818204
http://www.myspace.com/x_aiinz_x
http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=3302792547
http://www.interpals.net/miss_murder_x
http://www.tagged.com/ainsleeyraain
http://twitter.com/ainsleyrain
http://www.formspring.me/ainsleyrain

& I think that's all. o_____o
so add me/folllow me/whatever

xx

Easter.

2010-04-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

Ohai.
Yay first blog, & it's probably going to be shit (:
So, it's the day after Easter. I'm already sick of chocolate & if I continue to eat it, I will become even fatter.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, which is another thing that I despise >_> But hopefully I will work off the many kg's added from eating so many Ferrero Rochers.

Well, I guess I could promote my website on here ;O
http://rainingpoet.com/
Tis a poem site (: it would be cool if people could check it out.
Everything is easily explained on the site. (:

Well, goodbye for now.
x